ANARCHITECTURE EXCLUSIVE – The following is a transcript of a conversation recently released by Wikileaks. Original audio here.
While the precise time and location of the following conversation are unknown, it is believed to have been recorded by Russian operatives, sometime during 2013.
We have transcribed it here at anarchitecturepodcast.com in order to bring attention to this revelatory conversation, which could have significant ramifications for the 2016 presidential election if its contents become widely known.
We request that readers share this transcript in order to ensure that the voters are fully informed. This is vital to preserve the integrity of American Democracy.
The transcript below is presented in raw form, with no additional commentary, so that the reader may draw their own conclusions.
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
HILLARY: Donald, I need you to do something for me.
DONALD: Yes, Mrs. Clinton?
HILLARY: Don’t call me that. Donald, I need you to run for president.
DONALD: Sure! President of what?
HILLARY: Of these United States of America. You shall run as a Republican, and will win the nomination.
DONALD: But I don’t know anything about politics! I struggle to form a complete sentence! Why would anyone vote for me?
HILLARY: Not just anyone, Donald. Republicans. The same Republicans who elected George W. Bush. Twice.
DONALD: Oh, OK. No problem. I’ll just –
HILLARY: You shall pander to their basest prejudices! Make grandiose claims! Call for protectionism and autarky! Make awkward innuendos about your genitalia!
DONALD: That sounds familiar…
HILLARY: It’s how Hitler got elected.
DONALD: Sure. Worked for that guy. Yay Democracy! But Mrs. Cli- I mean, Hillary?
HILLARY: Yes, Donald?
DONALD: What if they still don’t like me?
HILLARY: Don’t worry about the votes, Donald. My people can handle that. You merely need to put on a show so bizarre, make the others look so foolish, that the primary vote counts appear credible. You don’t need arguments or reason. You need slogans and bravado.
DONALD: Hey, now you’re talking my language. Did you know that I’m actually a TV sta-
HILLARY: Reality TV. Yes, Donald. I have not taken this decision lightly.
DONALD: But, Hillary?
HILLARY: Yes, Donald?
DONALD: What about the general election? The debates? Won’t I have to say mean things about you? Oh, I couldn’t bear it!
HILLARY: YOU SHALL MAINTAIN THE RUSE, DONALD! In fact, you shall double down in every respect, so that my entire campaign platform can comprise indignant scoffing at your increasingly incomprehensible ravings. Contradict yourself at every opportunity! Threaten the press! Mock the cripples! …But will it be enough?
DONALD: I don’t think “cripples” is the acceptable-
HILLARY: No, no. It won’t do. Something more is needed. You must reveal yourself to be… a TRAITOR! Yes, that’s it! A traitor to these United States of America! You shall announce your support for ISIS!
DONALD: The greek goddess? I don’t underst-
HILLARY: You’re right, Donald. It will never work. Too messy. I probably shouldn’t have sent all of those guns to those heathen savages. So… China! But, no… that could conflict with the wall.
DONALD: What wall?
HILLARY: Nevermind. There remains only one other entity whom Americans fear more than ISIS and China.
DONALD: Cirque du Soleil?
HILLARY: That’s right, Donald. The Russians! The timing is perfect. Everybody loves 80’s retro malarkey right now. If it is retro they want, ‘tis retro they shall receive. We shall reboot THE COLD WAR!
DONALD: But with female protagonists!
HILLARY: I’m not a f- nevermind. Why, even the Bush family and my other neoconservative allies will at last be able to openly support me! Ukraine is the key.
DONALD: Yeah, OK, so – Wait, what kind of crane?
HILLARY: We shall foment another color revolution, this time in Ukraine. We shall draw in Putin, who will have no choice but to defend his existing bases in Crimea. But in doing so, will appear to be the aggressor, granting me the moral high ground. A false flag attack against a civilian airliner will seal the deal. It’s perfect. I must call Victoria Nuland at once.
DONALD: Ugh, Putin. That guy gives me the creeps. I can’t stand anyone who rides a horse.
HILLARY: Not anymore, Donald! You shall be his friend, nay, his comrade! Playing the traitor, you shall suggest diplomacy and de-escalation!
DONALD: Isn’t that what a good president is supposed to do, instead of starting new wars all over the place?
HILLARY: Did you just say something? I wasn’t listening. I was thinking of which impoverished countries I have yet to indiscriminately bomb the everloving crap out of. But my War on Poverty shall wait no longer! MWA HA HA!
DONALD: SNEE SNEE SNEE!
HILLARY: What in blazes was that?
DONALD: My evil laugh. SNEE SN-
HILLARY: SILENCE!
DONALD: -EE SN- But what about “It Takes a Village?” I thought you wanted to help poor people.
HILLARY: It was supposed to be “It TAKES OUT a Village; An Ode to the Tomahawk Cruise Missile.” That blasted ghostwriter completely missed the point.
DONALD: But you’re a Democrat, right? Isn’t that the one with all the anti-war hippies?
HILLARY: Stop it, Donald. I have already laughed once today. The only time the left has opposed war was when they feared the Vietnam draft, and now those old hippies are all hooked on social security and medicare. Even those who criticized Bush turned their bongos into war drums once Obama was at my side.
DONALD: Didn’t Obama win the Nobel Peace Prize?
HILLARY: Yes. It’s what he uses to push the big red button that launches double tap signature drone strikes against civilian hospitals. He fears Bush’s cooties, and rightly so.
DONALD: And the Democrats are OK with that?
HILLARY: Bah! They are sheep in search of a shepherd. The credulous fools believe that voting gives them power. As long as I pretend to care for the poor and “minorities,” whatever that is, Democrats will condone any foreign atrocity I create. They worship the State above all else, AS THEY SHALL WORSHIP ME!
DONALD: I worship y-
HILLARY: All they require is an enemy to vote against. We shall give them an enemy the likes of which they have never encountered! And, to fit their facile worldview, a successful capitalist to boot!
DONALD: Actually, if you consider all the bankruptcies, I’m not really that successful.
HILLARY: Nor shall you be in the general election.
DONALD: But what if something goes wrong? What if the, um, “credulous fools” actually like me?
HILLARY: Remember Vince Foster?
DONALD: No.
HILLARY: Good.
DONALD: Mrs. Clin- I mean, Hillary?
HILLARY: Yes, Donald?
DONALD: Remember how you used to call me “Donnie?“
HILLARY: Yes, Donald.
DONALD: I liked that. Why don’t you call me “Donnie” anymore?
HILLARY: That was the 90’s, Donald. I was pretending that you were one of the New Kids on the Block.
DONALD: The goofy looking one?
HILLARY: Yes, Donald.
DONALD: Oh.
HILLARY: But now, just as the New Kids on the Block have embarked upon reunion tours, so shall I be reunited with my usurped throne! MWA HA H- COUGH COUGH COUGH GASP WHEEZE COUGH COUGH SPUTTER… wheeze…
DONALD: Are you ok, Mrs. Clin- I mean, Hillary?
HILLARY: too much… COUGH frivolity…HACK… GASP the second laugh… COUGH COUGH SPUTTER…
DONALD: Gosh, is there anything I can do?
HILLARY: blood… I… need… GASP WHEEZE…
DONALD: Right. I’ll call a doctor to arrange a transfu-
HILLARY: blood… of an innocent… COUGH COUGH… with the naivete… GASP of a child… WHEEZE…
DONALD: Huh? Where am I supposed to find a naive, innocent child at this hour?
BERNIE: Oh, hey guys. Socialism works in Venezuela because it’s democratic!
HILLARY: SKREEE! CHOMP!
BERNIE: AAAAAUGH! My neck!
DONALD: SNEE SNEE SNEE!
HILLARY: SLURP SLURP GULP
BERNIE: My neck! My neck!
HILLARY: aaaaahhh… BURP! Senator Sanders, welcome.
BERNIE: My neck! That wasn’t fair.
HILLARY: I was in need of the blood of an innocent. You had more than you needed. It was a simple redistribution, the real world implementation of the policies that you advocate.
BERNIE: Ok, I guess that’s fair. But we should have had a vote first. Voting makes things more fair.
DONALD: Now I understand what “credulous” means.
HILLARY: Senator Sanders, we now share an unbreakable bond. When the time comes, you shall endorse me for President of these United States of America.
BERNIE: But… but I want to be President! Why would I-
HILLARY: YOU SHALL! The venom that now flows through your veins compels you to obey me! Yet your memory of this night will soon fade.
BERNIE: Does that mean I can be your running mate?
HILLARY: No. My running mate shall be Tim Kaine.
DONALD: Who the hell is Tim Kaine?
BERNIE: Who the heck is Tim Kaine?
HILLARY: I grow weary of this insipid questioning. BEGONE AT ONCE!
BERNIE: Thy will be done, milady. Golly, my neck really hurts. I hope my Obamacare plan covers this.
DONALD: Thy will be done, milady. Gee, my neck kind of itches, as if, at some point long ago… during the 90’s…
HILLARY: MWA HA HA! MWA HA H- COUGH COUGH SPUTTER… senator HOOORK… Senator Sanders! GASP WHEEZE… I summon thee COUGH COUGH COUGH HAA…AAA…aack…
BERNIE: Is there something that you want to vote abou-
HILLARY: SKREEE! CHOMP!
BERNIE: AAAAAUGH! The other side of my neck!
DONALD: SNEE SNEE SNEE!
HILLARY: SLURP SLURP GULP
END TRANSCRIPT
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