Category: Satire

Happy New Year!

And to those of you still languishing in the last decade, greetings from 2020!

The ’20’s are off to a “roaring” start, mainly because the 1920’s were called “the roaring 20’s” and humans, as a species, have lost any semblance of originality or historical perspective.

To wit, hipsters have decided that the 90’s are now retro, and have started wearing fluorescent spandex; ironically at first, then… unironically.

And they still have the beards. Picture that: 1890’s facial hair with 1990’s spandex, serving your morning coffee. That’s your first interaction every day.

The world anxiously awaits their discovery of grunge, when their beards will finally find an appropriate context.

But despite these setbacks, the fact that this decade can be pithily referred to as “the 20’s” is a welcome reprieve after “the aughts” and “the teens.” People who use those terms are universally reviled, and with good reason.

Speaking of revulsion, the 2020 election has been every bit the shitshow that it promised to be. Literally. During his first debate with Trump, Democratic nominee Joe Biden shat himself onstage.

This immediately alienated Biden’s core following, who could no longer ignore that the man was, in fact, full of malarkey.

Not to be outdone, Donald Trump quickly committed an equally embarrassing gaffe by continuing to be Donald Trump.

Consequently, the Libertarian Party nominee, Jacob Hornberger, received record-shattering votes, almost breaking into double digits.

He was, however, thwarted by a split vote when principled libertarians came out in force for Joe Biden, the man most likely to shit his pants while sitting in the oval office.

This additional 0.1% almost gave Biden the bump he needed to defeat Trump and avert the encroaching technocratic total police state. Because that’s what Democrats do, right guys?

Guys?

PS. Many Aussies have lost their homes this holiday season due to bushfires. As Michael Malice has said, for those who have lost everything, $5 is underwear. Please donate to https://www.redcross.org.au/donation.

USD$5.00 is AUD$7.14. Transcend borders.

Greetings from 2017! And what a great year it’s shaping up to be!

Poverty and hunger have been almost eradicated across the globe, after the surprising discovery that flying killer robots are also capable of delivering bundles of hope and cheer. The resulting outbreaks of good feelings caused people to overlook centuries of colonialism and tribal conflicts and work together as neighbors.

This led to record-breaking agricultural production in all global markets. The abundance of low-cost food further freed up resources for capital investment in critical infrastructure, launching developing nations into a standard of living rivaling, and in some cases surpassing, that of developed nations.

And this is all thanks to the wisdom and beneficence of Our Glorious World Leader. Our Glorious World Leader was the first to recognize the true causes of the problems facing humanity, and to act swiftly and decisively to eliminate The Great Betrayer.
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